Da Bears and other important distractions...
Thu May 09, 2013 9:15 pm
I am brand new to this forum and need some advise on some tricky topics. I am sure you can all relate as girlfriends/boyfriends in relationships with residents. Any help or advise I can get would very helpful-thanks!
*I just celebrated my 1 year anniversary with my internal medicine resident boyfriend. We started dating during his last year of residency. In July, he will finish and then start his fellowship in pulmonary and critical care, which is 3 more years.
When we first started dating, I had an idea of what I was getting myself into. I have several friends who are medical residents and know how demanding and draining their schedules can be. However, I wanted to try it because I felt a spark/connection with this guy. We have now been dating a year and while it has been difficult, I have been very understanding and flexible for him. In the beginning of our relationship, I saw him 1-2 times each week and he would always text or call me mid week to say hi and let me know what his weekly schedule was. The last few months, since his residency is almost over, he has appeared busier and more stressed. His rotations are busier and I only see him now once every 1-2 weeks. Also, he doesn't initiate contact a lot any more during the week. Whenever we part after a date, I ask him if he knows his schedule for next week. Sometimes he knows right away and says he can do "this day, etc."
Other times, he said he doesn't know yet and will let me know when he does. Then, I don't hear from him all week and have to call/text him myself. He always responds immediately when I contact him. I have to put in the effort to contact him and I feel lonely and miss him when I don't know when I am seeing him next. I am not clingy/needy and very independent. However, it's hard when I don't know when I will see him again. Should I talk to him about this? I was thinking I could say to him something like "I know you're busy with the end of your residency, but even if you don't know your schedule until the last minute, I'd appreciate it if you could please let me know by midweek if you're free or not. Then, I can make other plans."
Also, within 6 months into our relationship, I realized I loved him. My resident boyfriend is the best thing to ever come into my life and I love him so much. He is good to me-wonderful. He treats me well and respectful. We have lots in common and it is so easy to be with him. He spends 99% of his free days/off-time with me and makes time for me when he can. I have never felt this way about anyone else.
However, he has not yet said "I love you" or gotten to know my family better. 6 months into the relationship, I asked him for the first time if he would like to go out to dinner with my folks and get to know them better. (He met them once briefly 3 months into the relationship). He said he would have to think about it and I asked him if he thought it was too soon and he said yes. Then, I asked him again 10 months into the relationship and he said again he would have to think about it. I asked him why he felt this way. He said it wasn't because he felt it was "too soon" again, but that he was just in this crazy time in his life with work and stuff. I asked him if he would let me know when he felt ready to meet them if he would let me know and he said yes. My family and friends find it strange and are concerned that he has yet to get to know my family. Plus, he is Indian and his folks are in India and we are in Chicago. His brother and sister in law are an hour away for a year but I have not met them. We tell each other lots about our families as well.
Also, another issue: 7 months into the relationship, my boyfriend and I were both worrying and stressed over where he would be placed for his fellowship. He applied to both local and long distance schools. I was scared to death over whether he would be placed far away. One night, I told him I didn't want to stress him more but that I loved him and was scared of losing him and that I could see us together for a long time. I asked him how he felt about me and whether he saw me coming with him if worse came to worse and he was placed somewhere far away. He told me that he cared about me and liked me a lot. He made no indication about "what would happen" and just said that we should wait to see where he ended up and then talk about it.
Thankfully, he got placed for his fellowship at the same hospital where he is doing his residency. We were both so relieved! However, I am worried whether he will ever fall in love with me or ever get to know my folks better....I am patient and understanding but getting extremely frustrated. I am scared to bring up either subject again b/c I don't want to lose him....
Finally, he is Indian and I am caucasian. Though he is non-traditional, open-minded like me, and an atheist, I still feel that there if a part of him culturally that is taking his time with me relationship wise...I sometimes wonder if he loves me but can't find a way to verbalize it.....
...I don't know how much longer to wait...I love him so much and want to stick by him for better or for worse. I like to live in the present and take the relationship day by day. My family and friends all try to give me their advise and opinions but i stick to my gut.....I feel everything is fine and he will come around eventually...I hope.
*Does anyone have anyone have advice on how I can approach him and tell him how I am feeling without him feeling like I am appearing too needy?demanding or pushing him? I sacrifice a lot on my part to meet his needs but I have needs too....thanks so much!
Sun Aug 04, 2013 8:32 am
It has been super helpful reading all of these posts. I am a "med student girlfriend" as well, we have been together for two years. He is now in his fourth year and on elective surgery rotations because that is the specialty he has chosen. It's extremely difficult everyday, especially since right now we are long distance (4 hours away). We see each other once a month for 2-3 days, text everyday, phone call once a week. We broke up for a bit third year because he was beyond busy and stressed with rotations and I was not too understanding about it. I have learned I need to be more patient. We barely speak now on this surgical rotation and he recently sent me a text saying things will not get better anytime soon (i.e. all through residency) and that he feels really guilty that I have to go through all of this. I do feel recently like he is more "checked out", has less time, and cannot tell if it is that he is losing interest and doesnt want to make the time or if he really just is pushing through right now and focusing. I don't feel important and that makes me sad. But I love him. Has anyone had experience with surgical residents/students on intense surgical rotations? It's so hard to tell if he's just busy or if he's using it as an excuse to break up or doesnt want this anymore. Thoughts appreciated!!!!
Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:52 am
I am dating a US med student...and long distance for 1 and a half year... we worked well for the first year...
we will facetime/skype as much as we can...But it changed in these few months ago...
he is in third year of med sch...he told me that he needed to work everyday in lab...as it is his research year. We didnt have much chance to talk as he did to work everyday...and he keep telling me that he is busy...we just have a few text msg every day...
and most likely i am the one who text/ call him first...when time goes by, i really feel so frustrated in this relationship...and i cant feel that we worked hard for each other...i am so alone..
and i am tired to keep waiting..and get disappointed..
I just feel scare to call him (JUST Call him once a week) because...most of the time, he didnt pick up. or told me he is busy or he wanted to study...i completely get frustrated in this situation... i cant endure we didnt talk on phone several weeks..
Last time, i was trying to call him...and he didnt pick up...i just cant keep my bad feeling anymore...
i sent him msg to let him know... i feel very upset .. and dont understand why he wont call back / leave me a msg when he saw my miss call...just lest me the situation!!!!!
And .still...he did nt give me ANY REPLY!!!! :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
He broke my heart... i just cant believe he does this to me...
And i dont know wt should i do......................
Fri Nov 15, 2013 10:36 am
I'm currently dating a second yr med student and we r doing long distance.
I've read the responses and true enough I often find myself alone, calls are usually not picked up etc. at first we quarreled a lot bcos he didn't even text back for days but gradually I've learn that this is normal for a med student. Now, we usually fb chat for 5 mins and if Im lucky I get to skype with him once in 2 weeks. We been through a lot of ups and downs for 2 years. They are really busy beyond our imagination, and would wish that we be supportive n endure these with them. I'm sure they too want to make the relationship work, after all they r working hard now so that life can be easier in the future when they start to have their own family. So let's be positive n tide it through with them, it will all be worth it! :)
Thu May 29, 2014 3:13 am
You have to accept it. To be a doctor is not an easy task. A medical student spend his most of the time for studying. So it is usual for a medical student.